mom thoughts.

I can’t really remember what I thought being a mommy would be like before I actually became one.  maybe that it would be like babysitting, just 24/7?  I don’t really think I had in mind that it would be A LOT of work.  and I think I forgot that at the end of the night, I wouldn’t be driving home with $20 extra cash, to go sleep in my bed until whenever I wanted the next day.  and I think I assumed that all my years of babysitting would prepare me for mommy life.  let me tell you… NOTHING prepares you for mommy life!

the first month was relatively easy.  breastfeeding was hard, but whatever I did, I always had an extra set of hands (between matt or my family visiting) to help me change diapers, feedings or just get some well-needed sleep.  semi-reality set in when matt went back to work and I was home with a baby all by myself ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT.  it was hard.  all the days blurred together.  and I RARELY got out of my pajamas.  I constantly felt like I was failing as a mom.  and then the end of january came and I had to go back to work and reality REALLY set in – so now I have to get up, get myself ready, get my baby ready and to the babysitter by 7:00 and into work by 7:30 and then attempt to maintain some sort of focus while at work and then race back to the babysitter to pick up my baby and then some how feed the baby, get dinner on the table, get the baby bathed and to bed and get everything prepped for the next day all without totally burning out before my head hit the pillow.  oh and somewhere in there do the laundry, go grocery shopping, clean the house… by this point I was failing MISERABLY as a mom and wife.  the fridge was empty.  our “eating out” budget was WAY overspent.  I was EXHAUSTED!  everyone said it would get easier which just made me feel more like a failure.

since then, we have made A LOT of adjustments to make it easier.  some of that has been logistical adjustments just to maintain some sort of sanity.  but a lot of it has been an attitude adjustment for me.  realizing that I don’t have to have it all together.  realizing that pretending like I do is just WAY too stressful.  realizing that being a parent takes A LOT of sacrifice.  realizing that EVERYONE has an opinion and that I don’t need to take them personally.  focusing on the fact that my baby hasn’t hit the next milestone yet ruins the wonderful moments right before my eyes today.

I’m still learning, but I have to say… 7 months later, things ARE getting easier!  all the hard work and lack of sleep IS paying off.  sure, there are things that I pictured would be different, but I’m learning not to dwell on those.  instead, I am enjoying the way he smiles and shrieks when he sees me walk in the door.  the way he buries his head into my shoulder right after he wakes up and then gives me the biggest smile to make me forget that it’s 4:00 in the morning.  the way he laughs at my stupid games of peek-a-boo.  the way he falls asleep in my arms to my out-of-tune, I-forgot-half-the-words songs.  the way he says “mama mama mama mama”.

it’s SO worth it!

drafts.

I haven’t blogged much since being a mommy.  I’ll admit, I’ve started a lot of posts and for whatever reason talked myself out of posting them.  I’ll chalk it up mostly to insecurity – I don’t want to put some of my raw and honest feelings out there for someone to judge.  I also don’t want to post something with false intentions.  I’ve had a lot going on in the past couple of months, so time to type anything coherent has been rare. 

But I feel like some things just need to be put in writing – the good and the bad.  So I might start editing and posting some of those drafts.  

Oh… and I need to finish that birth story one of these days… that’s been in “draft” form for quite awhile (almost 8 months now!  where does the time go?) : )

But I’m warning you… this could be short lived.

working mom – week 3.

week 3.  a great week, but a sad week because matt goes back to work tomorrow : (  it has been SO nice having him home and i’m SO not ready for “normal” life to start.

1. the smile on my baby’s face when i get home – priceless!
2. ONE good hair day – i’ll take it!
3. dinners with friends and family that we haven’t seen in a long time.
4. valentine’s day.  my hubby totally spoiled me – roses, chocolate dipped strawberries and white cheddar popcorn!  he knows me too well : )
5. a successful new recipe!
6. date night!
7. my alarm went off before baby woke up – that was a first!
8. a clean house – thank you hubby : )
9. baby gifts – we’ve received 3 in the last week – E is SO loved!
10. a 3-day weekend!!

keep us in your prayers next week.  first week with daycare… i know it will be great, but it’s still hard : (

{16 weeks}

breastfeeding is…

disclaimer: i’m not one of those super passionate people about breastfeeding, nor am i against formula.  i am not trying to start a debate, just sharing my thoughts based on my 16 weeks of experience.

breastfeeding.  it’s a crazy controversial topic in the mommy world.  should you?  shouldn’t you?  how long should you – 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 3 years?  do you cover up or let it all hang out? or get one of these…. ?

ha!

things i’ve learned:
breastfeeding is hard.
breastfeeding is painful.
breastfeeding is stressful.
breastfeeding is demanding.
breastfeeding is crazy time consuming.
and i can understand why people choose to formula feed rather than breastfeed their babies.

but…
breastfeeding is free.
breastfeeding is a gift.
breastfeeding is healthy.
breastfeeding is a miracle.
breastfeeding is rewarding.
and i feel totally blessed to experience these special moments with my baby.

that’s it.

working mom – week 2.

it has been so fun to watch ethan and matt have so much fun together while I’m gone – he truly adores his daddy.  we’ve established a little bit of a routine in the mornings that after he wakes up to eat around 4:30/5:00 that he snuggles with me until my alarm goes off at 5:30 and then when I get out of bed to get ready, he snuggles with daddy.  they are seriously adorable sleeping together – it makes leaving them to go to work that much harder : (  the boys enjoy going on walks around the neighborhood during the day (thanks to the gorgeous weather we are having in february!), playing with sophie, singing songs (his favorite is old mcdonald and the ABCs), practicing rolling over, practicing holding the bottle by himself, giggling and blowing lots of bubbles.

here’s my thankful list this week…

1. sunrises.
2. phone dates with my mom on my way to work.
3. a smiling, happy baby when I get home : )
4. God’s constant provision for our family!!
5. my parents’ early valentine’s day gift to us – a housecleaner so our house is clean before we both go back to work.
6. health – we have all had some sort of cold or sickness in the past few months (especially matt).  SO nice that we have been healthy the last 2 weeks!
7. getting childcare nailed down for when matt goes back to work.
8. when your aesthetician says she’ll bring the wax to YOUR house to wax your eyebrows!
9. 70 degrees in FEBRUARY!!
10. new shoes.

and this face… I mean really?!  I am SO BLESSED!!

working mom – week 1.

it’s been hard.  but not as hard as it could have been.  i haven’t cried.  but i sure do miss my boys – A LOT!  the hardest part has been trying to figure out how to get EVERYTHING done in just 24 hours.  i’m running on fumes, but such is life with a 3 month old, right?

i’m working on one of my new years resolutions… to be more grateful.  so i started a list this week…

1.  tulips on my desk from a coworker on monday morning.
2.  pumping 12 oz while at work!
3.  fitting into pre-pregnancy work pants!
4.  sweet texts from friends making sure that i was doing okay.
5.  my mom’s text on monday that said “Thinking of you and praying that you don’t leak.  Ha!!  xo!”
6.  coffee.
7.  my wonderful hubby who has made this transition way easier than it could have been (he is home for 3 weeks!!).
8.  christmas presents waiting for me on my desk.
9.  ethan sleeping 9.5 hours (straight) on the night before my first day of work!
10.  my boys waiting for me in the driveway when i got home.
11.  coffee.
12.  somehow getting dinner made before 8:00pm.
13.  baby giggles.
14.  oreo cookie shakes.
15.  baby snuggles after 3:30am feedings : )
16.  coffee.
17.  bubble baths.
18.  beautiful sunshine-y days.
19.  friends that bring us dinner.
20.  making it through my first week of work without falling asleep at my desk.

and daily texts from my hubby with pictures like this : )

he makes it all worth it!  i am a blessed mama : )

my must have baby items.

we’re 7 weeks in and a couple of people have asked me “what are the things that you thought you would need, but didn’t?” and “what are the things that you’re so glad you had?”

first, things i thought i needed, but didn’t – so far i can’t really think of anything.  it’s crazy how much STUFF a little person needs (and i use the term “need” loosely).

second, here is my list of MUST HAVES so far:

swing – ethan hated it for the first few weeks, but now it’s his FAVORITE and i’m pretty sure the batteries are going to need to be replaced soon.  he loves napping in the swing and when there are nights when he just won’t sleep, i bring him downstairs to the swing and just sleep on the couch next to him (don’t judge – you’ll do whatever you can at 3:00 in the morning).  we even took it with us to a cocktail party and put him in the guest room with the video monitor on him – worked like a charm.  this one is nice because it has 2 heights and folds up easily.

breast pump – i’m all for breast feeding your baby, but it is A LOT of work.  as in every 2-3 hours (if you’re lucky) around the clock even when you’re tired, not feeling good, in pain, in the middle of running errands, can’t get a break – A LOT of work.  i love the opportunity to feed my baby during this short time of his life, but (in my opinion), it is SO NICE to get a break every once in awhile and let daddy or nana (or anyone that wants to for that matter) feed the baby a bottle.  it takes me about 45 minutes to feed ethan and it takes me about 10-15 minutes to pump, so when time is of the essence, it is a life saver!

bottle warmer – get a good one!  we had a bad one and it overheated the bottle so you had to sit and wait for it to cool off (no fun with a hungry/screaming baby) and was super complex with how much water you put in it.  so spend the extra $$ and get a good one.  i recommend this one:

boppy – this has been so wonderful to have!  i splurged and had a custom cover made for it and it is super soft.

iBaby Feed app – keeps track of how long the baby feeds, how often, which side and even runs summaries – it’s so handy!

video monitor – SO NICE to be able to SEE your baby.  ethan makes ridiculous dinosaur-like noises and instead of running in to check on him, i can just quickly check the monitor and see that he’s sound asleep : )

swaddle blankets – ethan LOVED to be swaddled when he was first born and now it’s a necessity to get him to sleep soundly.  aden + anais have THE BEST blankets – they are SO SOFT, big enough to get a good tight swaddle and lightweight which is nice during the warmer months.

burp cloths – i can’t believe how many i go through each day.  i often just do laundry JUST to wash burp cloths.  i think we have 12 in rotation and i’m debating on getting more.

third, things that make life SO much easier:

pack ‘n play – this wouldn’t have been something i thought i’d use, but since someone gave it to us, we put it to use.  we used it as a bassinet when he was sleeping in our room (there’s a bassinet attachment) and it will be handy when we travel.

BOB stroller – we splurged on this stroller and i’m SO glad we did.  we use it as our every day stroller as well as a walking/jogging stroller (even though i have yet to jog with it).  it’s definitely a luxury, but (in my opinion) worth every penny.  AND when you’re done with it, they sell for nearly full-price on craigslist.

wubbanub pacifier – the pacifiers from the hospital are so nice, but ethan hasn’t figured out how to keep it in his mouth.  the wubbanub is nice because it stays in his mouth easier and when he is sitting in his swing or carseat, i can tuck the elephant in his blanket to keep it from falling out of his mouth.  plus, it’s cute : )  they come in an assortment of animals.

COFFEE!!  you gotta have it!  i recommend Peet’s : )

i would also recommend having baby medicine (i have used gas relief drops and saline nasal spray so far) and diaper rash cream and/or vaseline on hand before you need it.  i also had to run out and get a humidifier – i should have put it on my registry.  i’m sure more experienced mommies would have others to add to this list.

if you’re a mommy, what were the things you couldn’t do without?  inquiring minds (and upcoming mommies) need to know : )

the real truth about being a new mommy.

becoming a mommy has been more than what i ever expected.  i knew there would be diapers and bottles and a lack of sleep, but i’ll admit, i wasn’t ready for the good and difficult things about the day-to-day.  after 6 weeks, here’s my honest re-cap:

1.  becoming a mommy has made me appreciate my mommy (and dad) 1,000,000 times more than i did before.  we have been so lucky to have my family come visit twice in the first month.  i will cherish the early mornings when my mom took ethan while i went back to bed for a few more hours,  stocked the freezer full of meals, the endless errands they ran for us, the household chores and projects that were checked off my to-do list in one weekend, waking up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee by my dad, all the help my mom and sister gave to transform the nursery to make it more boyish… and the list goes on.  i cried when i dropped them off at the airport.  i wish we lived closer.

2.  i love sleep.  or should i make that LOVED sleep?  i have yet to get more than 4 hours of consecutive sleep and i noticed that i don’t get up in the middle of the night to pee, i don’t dream and i don’t set an alarm clock anymore – i just wake up in a panic when i hear my baby crying.  i’m wondering if the days of long, uninterrupted, amazing nights of sleep are a thing of the past.

3.  breast feeding is by far THE hardest thing i have ever done (even harder than labor).  i took a class and read books, but NOTHING can prepare you for the real thing especially since you have never done it before and your baby has never done it before and now you have to somehow figure it out with a screaming baby in your arms.  and being the only source of food for your little one is beyond stressful.  and no matter what anyone says, the first month is RIDICULOUSLY painful not to mention crazy time consuming with no breaks.  i will admit that in the first week we were home, i woke up and i was attempting to nurse my teddy bear.  i also have to say that whoever invented the breast pump is a saint!

4.  my hat goes off to all the single moms out there – i really don’t know how you do it and maintain your sanity.  i was SOOO blessed to have my hubby home for the first 4 weeks.  those weeks will forever be some of the most special memories for me.  they say that women have a natural motherly instinct, but i really think my hubby has a natural fatherly instinct.  ethan loves his daddy.  if he had a choice, he would fall asleep on his daddy’s chest every chance he could get.  he’s not timid when ethan cries – in fact, i think part of him secretly likes the challenge of getting him back to being happy.  i dread when he has to leave for work and count down the hours until he comes home.   i really have no idea what i would do without him.  and i love that this new role in our lives has made me fall more in love with my hubby.

5.  baby tears are the worst thing ever!  but baby smiles, giggles and coos will totally melt your heart!

6.  running errands solo with a baby is SO STRESSFUL!  between a (potentially, but most likely) screaming baby in the back seat (that you can’t reach), coordinating trips in between feeding times (but not too close to the next feeding for fear of hitting the dreaded RED ZONE) and the circus act of juggling a stroller/shopping cart/car seat/groceries is usually why i stay home on the couch in my pajamas all day.  oh!  not to mention that you somehow have to shower and get dressed (or somehow make yourself presentable) in between feedings and nap times just so that in between the next feeding and nap time you can run out for 30 minutes (now i know why moms just stay in their sweats even when running errands).  this is also why 99% of my christmas shopping will be done online : )

7.  speaking of feedings and nap times… your priorities really are defined by the things you do when baby is sleeping.  but it’s not like you have a set amount of time – it could be 5 minutes and it could be 2 hours.  do you… take a shower?  check facebook/twitter/blogs?  pay bills?  take a nap?  do a load of laundry (and remember to put it in the dryer before baby wakes up)?  make yourself breakfast/lunch/dinner (side note: i finally got around to eating lunch today at 4:00)?  unload the dishwasher?  write thank you notes?  do some online christmas shopping?  it really does become this constant reevaluating of what is a higher priority.

8.  there is this underground group of mommies that have been SO beyond wonderful just to bounce ideas off of or get recommendations.  OR to play words with friends during that 3:00 am feeding – SO WONDERFUL!!

9.  babies have the ability to be amazing multi-taskers.  as i change ONE diaper, he can pee, poop, spit up, sneeze and get the hiccups all at once and somehow he still remembers to breathe!  impressive!

10.  babies go through A LOT of diapers!  and diapers are expensive!  i’m pretty sure the daily count has got to be upwards of 15.  there are times when i can change 3 diapers in just 1 feeding (before, in between and after).  my amazing discovery is the “subscribe and save” service from amazon – up to 20% off of the regular prices (which is almost always cheaper than target) and they automatically deliver your order based on what you set it up for (as often as once a month).

i have found in between the sleepless nights, unproductive days, constant feedings and dirty diapers that it is all SO worth it.  i have been entrusted with this precious little guy who totally melts my heart and really is a blessing to our family.  it’s crazy how much he has grown and changed in just 6 short weeks!  i wouldn’t change it for a thing : )

still here…

so i realize it’s been almost 2 months since i posted last.  sorry for the absence… things have been… well… a little busy lately and the moments when i have 2 hands free to type a blog post are pretty much nonexistent : )  but i’d like to give a quick little update:

1)  baby BOY ethan matthew was born october 24th and is simply the most beautiful little thing ever!  especially when he is sleeping : )

2)  i am loving maternity leave.  mostly because it’s 2:00 pm and i am still in my pj’s : )  no, really, i am so blessed to be able to spend this time with my little guy.  he has already changed so much and i’m glad i can be home to enjoy these moments.

3)  thanksgiving was amazing!  my whole family flew down from oregon to spend the holiday with us and love on ethan – i cried when i dropped them off at the airport.

4)  life is going by way too quickly with a newborn, but at the same time i feel like i’m a little bit in slow motion.  everything takes SO MUCH LONGER to accomplish.  i have to plan my day carefully or before i know it, it’s 8:00 pm and i haven’t taken a shower and i’m still in my pi’s from the night before : )

5)  christmastime is here!!  we got our tree, but the idea of shopping for presents is a little overwhelming.  i’ve done some shopping online, but i’m pretty sure everyone else is getting gift cards that i’ll pick up from safeway when i get a free 5 minutes : )

6)  we are going to disneyland in a month!  can’t wait to see it decorated for christmas!!  it will be interesting how a disneyland trip goes with a 2 month old : )  stay tuned…

mommy life is exhausting and exhilarating, frustrating and fun.  there are days when i swear i’ll never do this again and then days when i’m ready for #2 already.  it’s the most difficult thing i’ve ever done and yet the best thing ever!  well… ethan is waking up for a nap, so i must sign off.  hopefully i’ll post soon.

i’ll leave you with this from when my family was here for thanksgiving : )

39.5 weeks.

lately when people ask me when i’m due, my response is “sunday”.  as in like 4 days.  like THIS sunday.  granted i am very aware that the chances of me going past my due date is VERY LIKELY, but the fact that the finish line is so close is beyond exciting.  we are totally ready (as much as we can be i suppose) to welcoming a little person into our home.  her gear is all set up, i’ve washed all her clothes, stocked up on diapers and wipes and got the car seat installed.  my last day of work was last friday and it’s been so weird but so nice to have the last couple of days off to relax, clean, run errands and enjoy the extra hours with just my hubby.  but i will admit that my type A personality is having a really hard time with the not knowing “when”.  i am such a planner and a scheduler.  i don’t think i’m nervous or anxious about the labor – i mean yes, i know it’s going to be hard as in the hardest thing and most painful thing i’ll ever go through – but i’m anxious to see her and meet her and hold her – this little person who will be my daughter for the rest of my life!  ahhh!!  so exciting!!