more deep thoughts.

so i’m reading this book and wrestling with it a little bit in the second section.  the author is in india, living in a temple for a couple of months and pretty much the whole time is spent meditating and praying and chanting – to whom?  i don’t know, but i’m trying to find the pieces in this section that i resonate with.  to me, some of it is a little… well… out there, but i’m trying not to let it hold me back from continuing on with the book. 

so there’s one part that really struck me (page 132):

Like most humanoids, I am burdened with what the Buddhists call the “monkey mind” – the thoughts that swing from limb to limb, stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl.  From the distant past to the unknowable future, my mind swings wildly through time, touching on dozens of ideas a minute, unharnessed and undisciplined.  This in itself is not necessarily a problem; the problem is the emotional attachment that goes along with the thinking.  Happy thoughts make me happy, but – whoop! – how quickly I swing again into obsessive worry, blowing the mood; and then it’s the remembrance of an angry moment and I start to get hot and pissed off all over again; and then my mind decides it might be a good time to start feeling sorry for itself, and loneliness follows promptly.  You are, after all, what you think.  Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.

The other problem with all this swinging though the vines of thought is that you are never where you are. You are always digging in the past or poking at the future, but rarely do you rest in this moment.  It’s something like the habit of my dear friend Susan, who – whenever she sees a beautiful place – exclaims in near panic, “It’s so beautiful here!  I want to come back here someday!” and it takes all of my persuasive powers to try to convince her that she is already here.  If you’re looking for union with the divine, this kind of forward/backward whirling is a problem.  There’s a reason they call God a presence  – because God is right here, right now.  In the present is the only place to find Him, and now is the only time.

yes, i see about 5 red flags in that based on my “christian filter”, but if you step back, i think there’s something to be said for these points:

“…and then my mind decides it might be a good time to start feeling sorry for itself, and loneliness follows promptly.”  i do this WAY more than i should.  i slip into a junior high mentality of “no one wants to spend time with me… we must not be as good of friends as i thought we were” and put myself into this vicious tailspin of self-pity and loneliness that can eat at me for days!  why do i allow satan to do that?  why do i compare myself (good or bad) to other people and then just end up feeling sorry for myself?  why can’t i constantly be reminded that what other people think or say or even – what i think other people are thinking (oh that’s the worst!) don’t matter? 

“You are always digging in the past or poking at the future, but rarely do you rest in this moment.”  goodness!  that’s convicting.  i am guilty of constantly poking at the future.  hoping that “one day” we will have a house and “one day” we will have a family and “one day” we will live close enough to our church to get more involved and “one day” we will have the money to do such-and-such.  or “i can’t wait until’s…” that i say ALL THE TIME.  “i can’t wait until” christmas!  “i can’t wait until” i lose another 10 pounds!  “i can’t wait until” friday!  why are we so wrapped up in thinking that the future is where it’s at?  why can’t we seize the moment and make the most of every day?  why does it have to wait until tomorrow or next week or next year?  why not today?   james 4:14 “yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow.”  live it up TODAY!

okay… i’m off to seize the day

deep thoughts.

so i’m reading this book – eat, pray love, one woman’s search for everything across italy, india and indonesia, by elizabeth gilbert.  the author is on a self-discovery journey.  not a christian based book by any means, but still very thought-provoking. 

i came across this statement “There are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history.  How much do you love me?  And Who’s in charge?  Everything else is somehow manageable.”

how do you respond do that?  do you agree?  as a christian (assuming if you’re reading this you are a christian), do you still agree?  even though we’ve all been taught how much God loves us – so much that He would send His son to die for us – what more could you ask for?  who else would do that for you?  do you still wonder “if no one else will love me for who i am… do i know that God’s love is infinite and that’s all that really matters?”

and do you really believe, despite all that goes on in the world with war, murder, hunger and poverty, that God is still in control (or in charge)?  even though all that isn’t fair and doesn’t make sense, does it even cross your mind “maybe God’s just lost control of it all”, or do you still believe that He was/is/will always be in control?  do you believe that while He’s busy holding the galaxies in the palm of His hand and intimately creating babies in their mother’s wombs that He never loses control? 

i’m sitting with these thoughts and know they are deep issues.  if i believe these in my head and my heart, shouldn’t it change how i live my life every day?

there is no measuring God’s love for me.  and God was/is/will always be in control.  thank goodness!

i hope that over time that sinks deeper in my heart.

house update.

we got an update from our realtor (well sort of).  we’re to the point where we feel like we need a miracle, so if you want to pray for us, we would totally appreciate it.  right now we’re praying that we will hear something on or about the 11th of this month to let us know that phase 1 of 3 has been started – we should know then what the appraiser said the house is worth and we’re praying that it is in line with our offer.  if it is, we wait 30 days for an approval and then move to phase 2 (which takes another 30 days) and then we go into escrow (phase 3).  getting keys sometime in february is still our target.

so right now, we’re just going to take it one step at at time praying that God would shower patience and grace on us – cause He knows we NEED it!  we are so blessed and can’t wait to be in a place of our own to share with our friends and family… just hope it’s sooner rather than later.

we’ll keep you posted!

house update.

sad news this week.  all of the news we got earlier this month that said we were moving along smoothly changed this week.  total bummer.  now the seller’s agent is saying “sometime in february would be realistic” which is not the end of the world, but still frustrating.  however… it’s looking good for the new homebuyer tax credit to be extended through april which is fabulous!!  (keep your fingers and toes crossed for that one!)  so as of right now, no home for us this year   we’re trying to stay patient and hoping that if something else better doesn’t come along that february comes quickly!

giving books another try.

i have an odd relationship with books.  i remember in 3rd grade i was reading like 8 books at one time including these amongst others:

 

i could never tell you what was going on in any of the books.  i never really read for comprehension.  i just read words. 

when i was a junior in high school i took the PSAT’s and failed miserably on the verbal/grammar/reading section and was almost perfect in the math section and therefore my parents had to hire a tutor to teach me vocab words and how to read a one page story and actually remember what it said.  it sucked.  i hated reading.  i would be forced to do book reports and would wait until the night before to even start the book and then around 2:00 in the morning when i was half way through, i would attempt to write a report and once or twice i think i just made up my own ending to the book since i had no idea what really happened (hoping my teacher had never read that random agatha christy mystery that i found in the library). 

and that’s why i quickly decided in college that i needed to get my bachelor of science degree (BS) rather than a bachelor of arts degree (BA), because a BA required more literature and language classes.  i would rather take algebra, calculus, accounting, finance and statistics 5 days a week than die a slow and painful death of confusion and frustration in the “literature of the 1800’s” class.

so i don’t naturally gravitate towards books.  i easily forget what i read.  i lose interest quickly and fall asleep 2 pages into the chapter and then have to start over again the next day, so i typically don’t even bother. 

until i moved to boston and started taking the train to and from work everyday and i started grabbing the newspaper on the seat next to me that someone left behind and realized that everyone is boston is so um… what’s the word?  studious!  everyone reads and they can probably read in five different languages or more.  so i figured ”when in rome… do as the romans do”, right?  but for me rome = boston at the time.  so i started reading some books.  i started with books that i had already seen the movie of (which, come to find out is kind of the backwards way to do it), but since i already had a basic understanding of the plot, it was easier for me to follow along.  and i was reading about a book every two weeks with all the extra time i had on the train.  and i loved it!  and i felt smart!

well that was 3 years ago and i haven’t really read much since.  not sure why, just wasn’t interested.  but i have had a lot of time to myself recently and instead of drowning my life in reality tv shows (which i still do more than i should) i got some suggestions for books and started reading again.  some books are just strange, twisted and/or very odd, but sometimes entertaining at the same time.  i’m not into fantasy books (i’m the same way with movies) - so no harry potter or twilight for me.  i want stories about real life (even if it was a made up real life).  so here’s what i’ve read recently from suggestions by friends:

a pretty good book.  a different perspective on heaven.  short and a tear-jerker in parts.

an interesting story about a traveling circus train during the great depression.  definitely graphic in parts that i needed to skip ahead on, but overall, i enjoyed it.

i’m currently in the first 1/3 of this book and loving it!  i’ve heard mixed reviews about it – some people loving it and some people totally hating it and putting it down after five pages.  so far i’m totally enjoying her style of writing and wit.

recommendations welcomed.

lists = sanity.

i’m a list maker.  without lists i might self-combust.  i remember there was one particular day in high school when my dad picked me up from school and he asked me how my day was and i remember having this conversation:

     me:  omg!!  i’m like SO stressed out!!

     dad:  why?  what’s up?

     me:  i just have so many things to do and i’m afraid i’m going to forget something!

     dad:  here’s a piece of paper.  make a list.  then you won’t forget.  (my dad is a genius!!)

this was my list:  finish government homework, pick up library book, tweeze eyebrows, bring pink sweater to school tomorrow, read acts I and II of hamlet (cause wasn’t shakespeare always in roman numerals?), find a homecoming dress.  (there might have been a few others in there, but i for sure remember the eyebrows on that list!)

now my lists consist of more “grown-up” things that are half as fun: pick up dry-cleaning, buy cat food, call mom, email realtor, get car washed, go grocery shopping. 

nonetheless, i would not survive without lists to cross off.  so naturally, i make a list when i go grocery shopping and since we get paid every 2 weeks, i shop every other week for 2 weeks worth of groceries for 2 people.  not only that, but every week is different as far as meals at home go, thus every grocery list is different.  sometimes i’m shopping for 10 dinners, sometimes only 4.  i make my meal list and my grocery list in excel – it’s easy that way and then i have it saved so next time i need some meal ideas, i just pull up the last list.  so this was my list this past weekend (you’re not allowed to comment on the awesome processed and pre-packaged food we eat): 

and i swear i got like 4 comments from people about my list.  including the pharmacist AND the butcher.  “wow!  do you really sort that by department?”  to which i told the pharmacist “yes, it’s sorted by department and yes, it’s on excel.  i can shop faster and stay on a budget that way.  now, can i pleave have my birth control?  thanks!”

i’m organized. 

and i like it that way.

100 miles.

i love challenges!  my goal is to wog (walk/jog) 100 miles before 2010!  i already have 8 people at work signed up and 5 of my friends!  here goes nothing…

i lack patience.

i’d like to think that i’ve turned a new leaf (given the whole season of leaves and all) when it comes to being patient.  i’m not a patient person by nature.  i’m okay when sitting in traffic (living in so cal for 6 years will do that to you) or even waiting in lines (thanks to disneyland), but when it comes to waiting to hear back from people, i have a low tolerance.  i’m a firm believer that you need to get back to people in a timely manner.  even if you don’t have an answer, at least acknowledging their request and saying “i don’t have an answer for you yet” is worth millions in my book.

so i’ve received 21 emails today to my personal account – granted more than half of them were from facebook and about 7 of them were junk, but i’ve been checking my email incessantly EVERY 3 minutes hoping we will have heard something about the house… and it’s only tuesday.  and we’re only 6 weeks into a process that could take at least 15!

it might be a long week (or maybe weeks, but i’m hoping not)…

just a little bit of fall.

first off, i borrowed my sweet custom header from here.  i love this website!  and i LOVE this shot!

secondly, i don’t know if i need to say it again, but i love fall.  i love how the leaves turn color before the whole world goes into hibernation (well, not really, but it seems like it).  i do however miss the fall in boston – nothing like the colors there!

and third, i don’t care for rain.  it can be cold, foggy, cloudy and i can survive, but for some reason when water starts to fall from the sky i turn into the wicked witch from the wizard of oz who just melts – i hate it.  BUT, you’ll all be excited to know, that i think i have found a way to look forward to rainy days – minestrone soup and a grilled cheese for lunch!  it’s my new favorite and PERFECT for days like today!

here’s my little tribute to the beauty of fall…

lemons vs lemonade.

i tend to complain a lot.  i get frustrated with people.  i vent about dumb things.  i say things i shouldn’t about people i love.  all of that is so ugly and i hate what it does to my spirit.

so i’m trying to find joy and beauty in little things.  trying to be thankful for each moment.  learning that lessons can be found if you look for it.  you have to make a conscious effort to make yourself more aware.

on saturday i saw some kids selling lemonade on a street corner.  they frantically waved their sign to every person that stopped at the stop sign.  i had $1, so i gave it to them and you would have thought i gave them a winning lottery ticket.  and it made me wonder – when did my saturdays go from being filled with the stress of running a lemonade stand to the stress of everything else in life??

i wonder if that was God telling me to slow down and enjoy the simple things?